TNA Wrestling iMPACT! TV Results (3/31/11)

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Thanks to Stuart Carapola of for the following TNA Wrestling iMPACT! results for March 31, 2011:

We open with a look back at the finish of last week’s episode with Ken Anderson wanting to be the #1 contender so badly that he suckerpunched the referee, leading to a backstage fight between Anderson and Sting.

Speaking of Anderson, he opens the show by dragging Earl Hebner out to the ring, and I bet he’s got some officiating questions for him. He asks Hebner to tell all the assholes why he disqualified him last week (I guess he must have found out in the week since that it was Hebner, marking the first time in wrestling history that somebody talked to their co-workers when they weren’t on TV). Hebner says his shirt stands for authority and respect and Anderson better give it to him, so Anderson pushes him a few times. Hebner threatens to suspend him for at least 90 days if he touches him again, and he says that he disqualified him a week ago and if he doesn’t like it, tough s***, and he disqualified Anderson because he put his hands on Sting. Anderson tells Hebner that he’s provoking him and if he doesn’t reverse the decision right now, he’ll do something that he swears on his father’s grave that he will enjoy, but Hebner won’t. Hebner says the decision stands and calls Anderson an asshole, so Anderson knees him in the gut and goes for the Mic Check, but Brian Hebner runs in to his dad’s rescue and Anderson backs off and mocks him for helping his dad out. Anderson asks if he’s going to screw him like his dad screwed him, and everybody knows he’s been in the business of screwing people for a long time. Anderson sticks his chin out and dares Earl to punch him, but Sting’s music hits so everybody freezes while he walks out.

Sting tells the Hebners to leave and tells Anderson that instead of picking on referees, maybe he ought to pick on him. Anderson says that he’s in Asshole Country and if Sting steps up to him, he’s stepping up to all of them. Sting says he’s just here to disrespect Anderson, and he attacks him, leading to the Snow-Kenney Collective rushing in to separate them. Rob Van Dam’s music hits and he comes out to tell Anderson that if he really believes that he can beat him and getting disqualified stopped him from doing it, then he’ll give up his win last week and tells Earl to make it a three way. Hebner says he can’t do it because he doesn’t have the power to reverse decisions (wait, WHAT???), but Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out and Hogan says that RVD’s request is a done deal and it’ll be a three way at Lockdown. Bischoff stops Hogan and says he has another great idea: since the network wants ratings, he’ll put Sting, RVD, and Anderson together in a six man tag against Abyss, Matt Hardy, and “Bubba” (I assume he means Bully Ray, I have no idea who this Bubba is) and it’ll happen in a steel cage. Sting and Anderson respond by fighting again until the Snow-Kenney Collective pull them apart again.

When we come back from commercial, the Mysterious Cameraman is following Ken Anderson around, and Anderson tells “Jason” that he has no comment and tells him to get lost. We then go to RVD who says he knows how to keep things in balance and he’s not worried tonight because he gets to take care of all his opponents and maybe even a couple of his partners. We then go to Sting who says that Anderson disrespected him and he’s going to get an apology before the night’s out.

We go backstage to Ink Inc and Shannon Moore says he disrespected Scott Steiner because he wears a stupid headdress. Steiner isn’t cool and he’s not what the younger generation wants to see, and he doesn’t have any respect for Scott Steiner. We then go to Steiner, who says that throwing his headpiece at him and running like a bitch isn’t disrespect, Steiner bitchslapping someone at a bar or taking Moore’s girlfriend home and doing her all night is disrespect. Tonight’s match is going to be a beatdown, and he’ll show Moore some disrespect.

We head over to THE OFFICE where Jeff Jarrett is protesting to Hulk Hogan about letting him get in a cage with Kurt Angle at Lockdown. Hogan says that the Rob Terry thing is going to happen tonight, and Karen asks what “Rob Terry thing” they’re talking about, and Hogan tells Jeff to smarten her up. TNA, where we love our insider lingo!

Let’s head to the ring for our opening match…

Shannon Moore vs Scott Steiner
Steiner goes after Moore, who runs for the hills before Steiner’s able to get ahold of him. Eric Young is on commentary and OJ, as always, is right behind him. Steiner finally gets ahold of Moore and chops him into oblivion in the corner then launches him with a backdrop. To the corner for more chops and then a whip into the ropes for a back elbow and Moore goes down again. Moore leapfrogs Steiner out of the corner but Steiner gets a belly to belly suplex for 2 then tries a back suplex, but Moore flips through and lands on his feet, then starts kicking Steiner’s legs out from under him. Young is cracking me up by name dropping old WWF teams on commentary as Moore stomps away at Steiner and drops down for some pushups. Moore hits a dropkick then puts Steiner’s headpiece on his own head and goes for a moonsault, but Steiner moves, says something that gets bleeped out, and hits an overhead belly to belly, punches Moore in the face, and hits a clothesline and elbowdrop. Steiner covers, but gets up at 2 and does pushups, then sits Moore up top and hits a top rope Frankensteiner for the win.

Winner: Scott Steiner

Total squash and a lot of fun to watch, even if it was a little hard to buy Moore being able to do anything that would hurt Steiner. Eric Young and Orlando Jordan get up and head to the back but Doug Williams and Brutus Magnus come out and lay them out, so I guess they’re back together as a team.

We go to the back where Anderson is telling a poster of himself that Sting wants an apology, and the poster says “Sting can go f*** himself.” Looks like Anderson still has no comment.

We go to the Jarretts who are looking at the same Anderson poster, and Karen is whining about what happens if the Rob Terry Plan doesn’t work, and reminds Jeff that he agreed to a cage match against Kurt at Lockdown as an example of what an in control professional he is. Jeff says “You’re always worried about the minutae, aren’t you?” He cracks me up.

We go to a video package with Max and Jeremy Buck saying angry words to each other, so I guess they split up and are going to wrestle each other tonight. Okay, I get that it makes sense for things to not always wait for TV for things to happen, but let’s not leave half the story off the band.

Max Buck vs Jeremy Buck
They tie up and neither man gets an advantage, so they exchange wristlocks instead, then legsweeps, then Jeremy reverses a victory roll to one of his own for 2. Jeremy sends Max to the ropes and hits a series of armdrags and a twisting armdrag off the top that sends Max to the floor. Jeremy invites Max back into the ring and holds the ropes open for Max so he can get back in. He sticks his hand out to Max, so Max takes it and pulls Jeremy in to a headlock. Max takes him down with a shoulderblock and then they do a fast paced sequence where Jeremy gets another 2 count off a rollup. Max goes for a boot to the gut, but Jeremy blocks and hits a springboard armdrag and dropkick and Max backs off to the corner. Jeremy yells at Max to come on, so Max does and takes a Frankensteiner for 2. Max finally dumps Jeremy to the floor and then holds the ropes open for him. Jeremy steps in and Max superkicks him on the way in and hits a powerbomb into the top turnbuckle, then a top rope twisting Diamond Cutter for the win.

Winner: Max Buck

Short but fun match, though I hate that they broke GenMe up.

We go backstage to Fortune (minus AJ Styles) as they arrive at the Impact Zone.

We go to the locker room where Winter explains to a hypnotized Angelina Love (while helping her drink her water) that Velvet Sky is selfish and jealous and she couldn’t let her keep costing Angelina titles. We go to a video package recapping the history of Winter and the Beautiful People, then we’re off to the ring…

Velvet Sky vs Winter
Okay, let’s see if Winter can carry Velvet to a halfway decent match. Velvet rushes Winter and rams her into the corner repeatedly, then does it some more…then does it some more, then she hits a snapmare, kicks Winter in the back,and baseball slides Winter for 2. She follows that up by ramming Winter into the mat, then goes for a monkey flip out of the corner, but Winter moves and yanks her down on the back of her head. Then does it again. Winter with a slam and then stands on Velvet’s throat before tossing her across the ring by her hair. Winter with a side backbreaker for 2 then gets a fireman’s carry, but Velvet slips out and hits a couple of bad clotheslines and a really bad bulldog where she barely touched Winter. Velvet goes back after Winter when Angelina Love slowly starts walking down the ramp, opening her up for Winter to attack her from behind and choke her on the ropes. Winter hits a cyclone backbreaker and a rear chinlock that causes Velvet to tap out.

Winner: Winter

We then get about seventeen closeups of Angelina’s face as Winter continues to choke Velvet out after the match, and if there’s one person who should NEVER, EVER, E-V-E-R be seen close up, it is Angelina Love.

Thankfully, TNA’s attention span is almost nonexistent, so we’re quickly on to the next segment as Ken Anderson comes out to the ring with a microphone and calls Sting out. Sting joins Anderson for some thoughtful political discussion, which begins with Anderson asking if he wants an apology. Sting nods yes, so Anderson says that normally he’s an asshole, but he’ll do something he doesn’t normally do and extends his hand out to Sting…then suckerpunches him, leading to another brawl that spills out of the ring and around ringside, through the crowd, across the balcony, back down and through the crowd where Sting rams Anderson into the wall. Anderson returns the favor by ramming Sting into the wall, and they head back over the guardrail to ringside. Sting starts kicking Anderson’s ass and rams him into the stairs until Abyss, Matt Hardy, and Bully Ray run out and attack the both of them. Bully Ray goes after Sting’s leg, ramming it into the ring apron repeatedly and putting him in a toe lock, then takes him into the ring and bashes him in the face with a microphone several times as Abyss and Hardy work Anderson over on the floor. RVD’s music hits and he runs out and goes after Bully Ray and clears him out of the ring, looks at Abyss and Hardy beating Anderson up, then turns and walks away while Anderson continues to get beaten down. Hardy and Abyss roll Anderson back into the ring and Sting nails him, as Immortal rounds up the troops and backs off.

We go back to the locker room where Karen Jarrett is on the phone frantically telling who I presume to be the cops that Kurt Angle is coming after her with a weapon as Jeff bangs his hands on the lockers and other stuff behind her to simulate what Kurt Angle must sound like when he’s angry at Karen.

We go backstage to Ric Flair with Immortal, and they’re celebrating what just happened and act very confident about their chances tonight.

We then go to Velvet Sky, who complains about Winter being a bitch and trying to break up the likes of the Beautiful People. What, there’s more like Angelina Love? Oh yay. “Jason” asks Velvet if she’s ever seen Angelina act like this, and Velvet says no and she believes that Winter has a hold over her, and it’s her duty to help out Angelina and get her out of the trance she’s in because she’s had enough of Winter and her bulls***.

Kurt Angle comes striding out to the ring and grabs a mic, and tells Jeff Jarrett that he’s tired of this bulls*** and wants him to get out here now because he’s not waiting for Lockdown. Jeff Jarrett’s music hits and Jarrett emerges from the back…with Rob Terry. Angle shakes his head and I can’t help but agree with him. Okay, I guess this is a mystery opponent match, so here goes…

Kurt Angle vs Rob Terry
Jarrett gets up on the apron and Angle goes after him, so Terry clubs him from behind with a big forearm. Angle goes after Jarrett again, so he gets another big clubbing forearm. Then Terry delivers more clubbing forearms in the corner. Then clubs him across the ring with forearms. Then he whips him into the corner and eats Angle’s boot on a charge, but catches Angle coming off the second rope and hits a big front powerslam as Jarrett antagonizes him from the floor. Terry picks him up for a Davey Boy Smith powerslam, but Angle slips out and hooks the anklelock, grapevines the leg, and Terry taps.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Angle stares Jarrett down and then chases him around the ring, finally catching up with him on the ring apron. Angle tears Jarrett’s shirt off and chokes him with it then goes for the Angle Slam on the stage, but Jarrett slips out and runs to the back. We go to the backstage cam as Angle searches Jarrett out and winds up in the parking lot, where Karen Jarrett is waiting with a group of cops who cuff him and drag him off as Karen screams at him. Kurt yells to Karen about what he’s going to do to Jarrett at Lockdown before the cops haul him away as Karen smirks at the con she just perpetrated.

Backstage, Fortune tries to make sense of what’s going on with Sting, RVD, Anderson, and Immortal.

We go backstage to Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff gloating about the chaos they created between Sting and Anderson and how it makes it easier for them to control things.

Steel Cage Match: Matt Hardy, Abyss & Bully Ray vs Sting, Ken Anderson & Rob Van Dam
Sting attacks Anderson on the rampway during his entrance and lays him out with a suplex as Immortal nails RVD and drags him into the cage. Sting follows and takes out the entire Immortal team by himself, hitting multiple Stinger Splashes while giving RVD time to recover. Sting lays Hardy out with a clothesline while Anderson takes his time recovering on the outside. Bully Ray nails Sting and puts the boots to him then goes after RVD. Anderson pulls up a chair and takes a seat at ringside as we go to commercial.

Okay, we’re back and Bully Ray lays Sting out with a clothesline as Hardy gives RVD a neckbreaker and then Ray drops a knee on RVD’s nuts. Hogan’s music hits and he comes out wearing his back brace and tells Anderson to get in the cage. Anderson ignores him so Hogan calls him an asshole and tells him to get into the cage. Anderson pulls back to nail him, but Hogan backs off, citing his back brace…and then suckerpunches Anderson, rams him into the cage, and tosses him into the cage where Sting beats him senseless and rams him into the cage. With that out of the way, he now goes back to getting beaten up by Immortal. Bully Ray stands on Anderson’s face and talks crap to him as Flair yanks RVD’s ponytail from the outside, then turns and goes after the cameraman. Immortal is just trashing Sting in the cage until Hardy covers him but only gets 2, so Hardy hits a snapmare into a three quarter nelson and, for some reason, RVD and Immortal went back to their corners to await tags. I love when they change the rules halfway through a match. Sting fights back and tries to make the tag, but Hardy drags him back to the Immortal corner and tags out to Abyss for some more abuse. Bully Ray and Abyss have some miscommunication and Sting lays them out with a double clothesline and makes the hot tag to RVD, who comes in and clears everyone out with spinkicks, clotheslines, and dropkicks. RVD with a top rope thrust kick to Abyss and goes for the Five Star, but Anderson pushes RVD off the top rope. Bubba capitalizes by hitting the Bubba Bomb and covers RVD for the win.

Winners: Immortal

Anderson immediately ducks out of the cage and heads to the back, leaving Sting and RVD alone to get beaten up by Immortal. Fortune’s music hits and they come running out to even the odds, but Immortal gets the upper hand and Flair locks the cage door as Bully Ray whips Sting with a chain and Hardy hits the Side Effect on James Storm. Ray chokes Storm out with the chain as Hardy repeatedly drills Kazarian in the head, busting him open, then lays him out with the Twist Of Hate. Hardy with a Twist Of Hate for Roode as Abyss chokeslams Kazarian and Bubba goes over and grinds the chain into Kazarian’s face after.

Suddenly, Christopher Daniels breaches his ROH contract by coming out of the crowd, climbing the cage and wiping Immortal out with a flying bodypress off the top of the cage and we go to commercial as Hunter Johnston starts planning how he’s going to bury Daniels.

We come back and take a look back at the drawn out beating we just saw and Daniels’ return, then we go to the locker room where Ric Flair asks who the hell that was who just got involved in Immortal’s business and calls him a 140 pound loser. Immortal is really angry and yell about all the things they’re going to do to them at Lockdown.

We then go to the Fortune locker room as Daniels says that he wasn’t going to let Immortal put AJ Styles and go around bragging about it. The next time there’s blood on his hands, it’ll be Bully Ray’s. Kazarian says they’re all willing to sacrifice for AJ Styles, and AJ will be out indefinitely, but their boy Daniels will back them up. Daniels says the blood on his hands is what TNA was built on because they built TNA from the ground up, and Immortal is out of their minds if they think they’re going to turn tail and run.

Over to Sting, who says that tonight was just a warmup because at Lockdown, they’ll find out who the true veteran is. Jason follows Anderson around and INTO HIS TRAILER, and Anderson starts bitching again about how he’s been getting screwed, but Rob Van Dam runs in and beats the crap out of him and thanks him for tonight. RVD leaves and Anderson is left howling angrily as we fade to black.

One Response to “TNA Wrestling iMPACT! TV Results (3/31/11)”

  1. TNA is running this 3 way match gimmick into the ground!

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