We are live from Buffalo, New York and your announcers are Michael ‘I wrote James Franco’s material at the Oscars’ Cole and Jerry ‘I’m WINNING’ Lawler.
With Wrestlemania a little more than a month away, we start off with the man who made his triumphant return last week on Raw. That man is Triple H and he has his WWWater Bottle for the most electrifying expectoration in Sports Entertainment.
We have the graphic for the Undertaker versus Triple H match at Wrestlemania (ten years in the making).
Hunter takes a moment to soak in the applause. He says that it is good to see everyone too. He says that they say the true test of a man’s mettle is the test of time. He says that he has done everything there is to do in the WWE. Every accolade, every championship. He defined the Elimination Chamber and Hell in a Cell. He is a thirteen time WWE Champion. He mentions that he started Degeneration X with Shawn Michaels. With Ric Flair, he started Evolution. He says that he has been hated and he has been loved. He has defeated Icons, legends, immortals. He has done it all in his sixteen years. He says that it seems like yesterday. He has seen them all come and go. Hunter says that he has outlasted them all. . .
Except for one. The Deadman. The Phenom. The Undertaker.
Hunter says that he heard Taker referred to as the ‘Last Outlaw’. There are two. He says that they are more alike than Taker would think. Hunter says that there are no more challenges left in the locker room. There are no big tests in front of them. There is only one thing that stands before them. For Taker, it is the streak and he goes year to year. It is what keeps Taker going. When Taker looks around the locker room, Hunter is the only true challenge he has left.
Hunter says that the only true challenge he has is ending the streak.
He says that is the only thing standing between them. It will happen at Wrestlemania 27. The biggest event in history. Hunter looks at the sign and he tells the Deadman that they will define an era. The iconic, immortal, legendary, the last two will meet. On that night, nothing else will matter. There can be only one.
Hunter tells Taker that when the streak dies, Taker dies. Hunter says that he only has one thing left and it is the streak. Hunter says that he will die trying to end the streak.
Hunter poses on the turnbuckles, but he is stopped by the man who put Hunter on the shelf for almost a year.
Sheamus comes to the ring. Hunter kicks Sheamus as he enters the ring. Hunter throws Sheamus over the top rope to the floor and then he sends Sheamus into the ringside barrier. Hunter punches Sheamus and then he sends Sheamus into the ring post. Hunter clotheslines Sheamus into the ring announcer/ring bell cubicle. Hunter puts Sheamus on the announce table and rearranges it. Hunter gets Sheamus set for the Pedigree and after pointing at the Wrestlemania sign one more time, Hunter hits the Pedigree and the table collapses like Sheamus’s status.
Josh and Jerry talk about what we are going to see later on the show as they stand by the fallen Sheamus.
Shawn Michaels and Michael Cole will be talking later tonight.
Speaking of talking, we will go to the Rock House for his response to John Cena.
We go to commercial.
We are back and we have a Moments Ago Moment of Sheamus confronting Triple H, if by ‘confront’ you mean get decimated by Triple H including a Pedigree through the announce table.
We see Sheamus getting helped up by a gaggle of referees and he is still lucky to gain his balance.
The General Messenger makes his presence known and Jerry Lawler is going to read what has to be said.
Jerry says that even though Sheamus was attacked by Triple H, it isn’t his problem so he has to have his match against Evan Bourne.
Match Number One: Evan Bourne versus Sheamus
Bourne with a drop kick into the corner and then he kicks and punches Sheamus. Sheamus throws Bourne down but he misses a clothesline. Bourne with a spin kick and then he goes up top for the shooting star press and he hits it for the three count.
Winner: Evan Bourne
After the match, it is time for the ‘voice of the WWE’ to make his way to the ring and that person is Michael ‘I am to James Franco as Jim Ross is to Billy Crystal’ Cole.
Cole stands in front of Lawler and he has something to say but nobody else can hear him. Cole says that he will tell Lawler, but we go to commercial.
We are back with the Slam of the Week: Michael Cole being challenged by Jerry Lawler last week on Raw for a match at Wrestlemania.
Michael Cole is in the ring and he wants everyone’s attention. Cole tells Lawler that he wants to do it man to man and face to face. He wants to do this eye to eye. He tells Jerry to get off his fat antiquated butt right now.
Jerry gets up from the new announce table and Cole reminds Jerry that he cannot strike him or he will be fired.
Cole says that he looked at the edict from the General Manager. If Lawler strikes Cole, he is fired. Cole asks Lawler if he thought he was intimidated last week. Did Lawler think that he was going to cower from his Wrestlemania Challenge. There is no one on this Earth with more guts than him.
Cole says that he never backs down from a fight. Cole says that his answer to Lawler’s challenge is no. That is unless Lawler accepts two conditions. The first condition is that his trainer can be in his corner at Wrestlemania. The second condition is that he gets to choose the special guest referee for the match.
Jerry takes the mic and he tells Cole Sore that he doesn’t care if Cole has the Dark Knight, King Kong, Saba Simba, and Superman with him because the answer is that he is on.
Cole says that they have their match and he is a little too happy. Cole decides to introduce his trainer. He says that he is a former World Champion, Jack Swagger. Swagger gets in Lawler’s face and Cole pushes Lawler but Cole can’t get fired for touching Lawler.
Cole slaps Lawler and Lawler goes after Cole, but Swagger stops Lawler and he puts Lawler in the ankle lock.
We go to commercial with Randall Keith Orton walking in the back as only Randall can.
We are back and Did You Know that WWE’s Facebook page gets a lot of new members every day.
Steve Austin will be on Raw next week.
Michael Cole joins Josh Mathews at the announce table and I wish I was with Sheamus because he probably can’t hear this. Cole wants to see highlights of the ankle lock that we just saw.
Randy Orton comes to the ring and he has something to say, probably to CM Punk and Nexus.
Orton tells Punk that he was right about something last week. Two and a half years ago when he kicked Punk in the skull, he made the biggest mistake of his career. The mistake was that he should have kicked Punk harder. He says that Punk can talk about faith but it won’t protect him. Orton says that he will kick Punk so hard that it makes his neck snap. He will crush Punk’s spine and make him a permanent resident of a rehabilitation facility where his goal will be to walk again. Punk will eat from a straw and everything will be a haze. The only thing that Punk will have left is the faith that deserted him.
CM Punk comes out with three members of Nexus since Husky Harris is still injured.
Punk calls Orton an arrogant but predictable hypocrite. Punk says that Orton’s ego has put him here. Even though Orton will try to put him in a rehab facility, Punk says that he is going to put Orton in the ground.
The General Messenger appears from his dingy dingy world and Cole gives Josh the honors. Since there is only one way for Punk and Orton to settle things and that is in a match at Wrestlemania. Randy Orton will face members of the Nexus leading to Mania. If they win, they will be allowed in Punk’s corner. If Orton beats them, they will not be allowed at Wrestlemania. The Messenger says that if Punk or Nexus interfere in any way, Nexus will be disbanded.
Match Number Two: Randall Keith Orton versus Michael McGillicutty
They lock up and Michael backs Orton into the corner. Michael with a kick in the corner but Orton turns the tables and he punches Orton. Michael with an Irish whip but Orton with a clothesline out of the corner. Orton with a snap mare but he misses the leaping knee drop. Michael kicks Orton but Orton clotheslines Michael over the top rope and we go to commercial.
We are back and Orton punches McGillicutty but Michael with a drop kick and he gets a near fall. Michael gets another near fall. McGillicutty kicks and punches Orton in the corner. Orton with kicks but Michael with a knee and punch followed by a snap mare. Michael goes to the turnbuckles and he hits a leap frog neck snap for a near fall. Michael with a reverse chin lock on the master of the reverse chin lock but Orton gets to his feet. Orton with a belly-to-back suplex and both men are down.
Michael runs into a boot and then Orton with clotheslines and a power slam. Orton with a back breaker and then Orton stares into the third row and then he sets for the IEDDT and he is going to hit it on Michael. Orton twists to the mat and does some push ups as he waits for the RKO and he hits it and gets the three count.
Winner: Randy Orton
CM Punk stands on the stage while Orton stares around the ring and he sees Michael in a position that his tag team partner was in a few weeks ago. Is Orton thinking of going for a field goal in the city made famous by a missed field goal?
Punk tells Orton to stop, but does he mean it. Punk uses the ‘three name’ taunt to stop him so he does not kick Michael in the skull.
Orton shows that he is not good with instructions and he is good from 45. Orton goes through the crowd while Punk, Ryan, and Otunga fail to stop him before Orton climbs to the concourse.
We have footage from the contract signing of Sin Cara in Mexico last week.
The Miz and Alex Riley are walking in the back and Michael Cole keeps talking about how great he thinks Miz is.
We go to commercial.
We are back with the Slam of the Week: Miz turning on his tag team partner and fellow champion John Cena last week.
It is time for Michael Cole to mark out without uttering the two words because The Miz is coming to the ring and he is joined by Alex ‘Mongo’ Riley.
Miz says that the Rock is going to respond to John Cena tonight. Miz says that he called out the Rock last week and he isn’t responding to him. Miz says that we know why. That is because Rock knows that Miz is right. This is no longer the Rock’s show. Rock was the biggest star in the WWE. Then it was John Cena. John Cena’s days are numbered and Rock’s are over and they have been for some time. Miz says that we have to realize that he is the biggest star in the WWE. Miz says that he is the reason why we are here tonight. He says that he is the one talk shows want. He is the face of this company. Miz says that he is the most must see WWE Champion in its history.
Miz asks if there is a trend. It is all about him. It has always been about him and it will always be about him. Miz says that people asked him about becoming a tag champion with John Cena. Miz says that he wants the record to show that he won the tag titles, but John Cena lost them. Miz says that is exactly what he wanted to happen. Miz says that he is in the driver’s seat on this show. When John Cena is worrying about the Rock and his raps, Cena should be worried about one person, the WWE Champion.
Miz says that if the Rock and Cena want to go back and forth and back and forth, so be it. Miz says that he will beat John Cena at Wrestlemania and then he will beat the Rock. Miz repeats himself and then says that no one will ever mention them again. They will only talk about the Miz as the greatest superstar of all time.
Alex Riley gets on the mic and he tells everyone to get on their feet and show respect to the man who will main event Wrestlemania in 34 days.
That man’s music plays and John Cena comes to the ring.
Cena says that he has some important news. Cena says that he is upset because he cannot hear another word that he has to say. Cena says that the people shouldn’t have to put up with this. Cena says that the Miz is not well. Cena says that he has a Doctor’s Note and it says that Miz has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Miz is obsessed with everything. He is obsessed with being awesome, but the report says that he is average. Miz says that he is ‘must see’ but you need a microscope to see it. Miz has hundreds of cats, thousands of pairs of blue Dockers, he saves his dogs poop bags, and pees in milk jugs.
That is only the half of it. Cena says that he cannot believe that it has rubbed off on Riley because he locks himself in the closet and eats toilet paper.
Riley says that he realized why people nicknamed toilet bowls ‘johns’ because Cena is full of crap.
Cena asks Miz why people don’t take him seriously as a champ. Cena says that was awful. He tells Miz to look at Riley. He looks like a fish trying to suck up air while it dies. Cena tells Miz that he needs to do this by himself. Does Miz want to look back at his legacy and realize that he shared it with another man. Cena says that if Miz wants to be ‘must see’, he should fire Alex Riley right now so Wrestlemania can be The Miz versus John Cena.
Miz asks Cena if he is scared of Riley or is Cena trying to play mind games? Miz says that he is mentoring the next generation of WWE Superstars. He is sharing his brilliance with Riley instead of selling merchandise.
Cena suggests that Miz should announce that him and Riley are co-champions and then they are going to move in together. He says that if Miz is teaching Riley how to be a loser, he will teach him how to be a man. Cena wants a match with Alex Riley and if he wins, Riley no longer works for the Miz.
Miz says something to Riley and Miz accepts on one condition. Miz says that he will not interfere. If Riley wins, he wants Cena to publicly admit that Miz is the greatest superstar of all time because he is the Miz and he is . . .
Miz says that he has been fired, has had water thrown on him, and has been called everything and he says that he will do it if Riley can win.
We get the noise that made WWE fans furious and Cole assumes the position. And he quotes. No offense to Miz or his word, but to insure that there is no outside interference, Alex Riley versus the Miz will take place inside a steel cage. The only way to win the match is to escape the cage.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Shawn Michaels will talk about Undertaker versus Triple H.
Eve Torres joins Cole and Mathews at the announce table for
Match Number Three: Divas Battle Royal
The bell rings and after a quick elimination. Alicia Fox is eliminated. Melina does a split and Tamina goes to the apron. Melina eliminates Tamina with a forearm. Natalya misses a shoulder and she fights with Melina on the apron. Maryse eliminates Natalya and Melina. Maryse and Brie attack Gail Kim but Gail with a Yakuza kick to Maryse followed by a neck breaker to Brie. Maryse throws Gail to the mat and then Maryse picks up Gail. Maryse sets for the DDT but Gail throws her out of the ring. Maryse tries to get back into the ring and since the referees are not paying attention. Nikki is eliminated but Brie comes out from under the ring and eliminates Gail.
Winner: Nikki Bella
After the match, Eve comes into the ring and she confronts the Bellas. Nikki and Brie double team Eve and then they leave the ring.
We go to commercial.
We are back and it is time to see the Rock’s response to John Cena’s response to him.
We see what John Cena said last week to Rock.
Cole says that John Cena was right with what he said last week. Josh says that we are going to Rock’s home in Los Angeles.
Rock has his Cena hat on and he has a medallion. Rock mocks Cena and he says that the Rock has totally gone soft so he has to take this crap off.
FINALLY . . . The Rock has come back . . . to Monday Night Raw. Rock says that he is the champion of the people. He says that he is electrifying everyone in the HSBC Arena. FINALLY . . . the Rock has come back . . . to Buffalo. It is that electricity that is in the air and you can cut it with a night. It makes every woman with a beating heart to stop in her tracks and say that they want a piece of the Rock. It makes every man with an ounce of testosterone and say that they want to kick some candy asses. Rock says that they have the attention of John Cena.
He wants to get this straight. He makes his historic return to Raw and electrify the world. He talked from the heart to the people and he said what he thought about John Cena. He addressed John like a man, but Cena responds with a rap to him.
Rock says that Cena addressed him in the form of rap. Of course Cena did. That is how the guy in the purple shirt responds with the jean shorts and the chains. Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect. Rock says that he thought it was real funny. Rock wants to remind Cena and the world how this thing started. It started with John Cena running his mouth about the Rock. He called the Rock a liar when he said that he loved the WWE. He says that Cena said that he didn’t want the Rock jerking the fans by saying that he loved the WWE when he wasn’t coming back. Rock says that Cena insulted him and his family. Rock says that his love for the WWE is endless. He was born in the WWE. His blood is the WWE. Rock says that his grandfather is High Chief Peter Maivia. His father is Rocky Johnson. They are Hall of Famers who he inducted. Rock points out that he is standing in front of the title belts that he won. Rock says that he achieved everything he could in the WWE and he wanted more. If he made it in Hollywood outside of the WWE. It means that he opened his door for the WWE and the WWE locker room. He opened the door for John Cena. He paved the way for him. Rock says that John Cena publicly insulted and knocked the People’s Champion.
Rock says that there are consequences for running your mouth. Cena made an open plea for him to bring it. No one brings it like the Rock. Rock says that Cena has opened a door and on the other side is the Jabroni beating, pie eating, trailblazing, eyebrow raising, Cena you say what you want and you reap what you sow, but the Rock will kick your monkey ass from here to Buffalo.
The Rock is hosting Wrestlemania, but he will be addressing John Cena sooner than he thinks. The Rock electrifies all over the world. His spirit is everywhere. It is in that spirit that the People’s Champ can raise his fingers and electrify it just like ‘that’ (and the lights go out). Rock says that they will feel the electricity and meets Cena face to face, he is never alone. The Rock is with the Millions . . . and Millions of the Rock’s people bringing it to John Cena and the world. Rock says that he ain’t no rapper, but neither is Cena. He tells Cena to shut his mouth and listen to him. Rock says that he is back to scratch a major itch. He tells Cena to enjoy his Fruity Pebbles, you Yabba Dabba Bitch. The Rock will address Cena like a man. In these eyes you will be lookin’ and at that moment you will smell what the Rock is cookin’.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Did You Know that Smackdown was the most watched show on SyFy in three years.
It is time for Shawn Michaels to talk about the Taker/Triple H match. He says that when he first heard about the match, he was happy to hear that Taker might finally get his. Triple H might end the streak. You are happy and sad because you were unable to break the streak. Shawn mentions his history with both men. When you are in the ring with the Undertaker, you are at war with a legacy, not a man. Shawn says that is a huge mountain to climb. Being inside the ring with Triple H, there is a part of him that is vicious. Every time that he has been in the ring with Hunter, he has never seen any compassion in his eyes and they are friends. If there is anybody who can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania it is Hunter. There is a history inside every man. Shawn says that the easy answer for who he is rooting for is Triple H because he is his buddy. Shawn says that he does not know how he will react if Hunter wins.
Miz attacks Daniel Bryan and sends him into the ringside barrier. Miz with a boot to Bryan’s head. Miz kicks Bryan and chokes him. Miz kicks Bryan in the head one more time. Miz hits Bryan with the Skull Crushing Finale on the floor. Miz picks up the US Title belt
Miz says that he did that because he can. Welcome to the Miz show. He says that he is done waiting. He wants the cage lowered for the main event.
We go to commercial with the most electrifying music in sports entertainment.
Match Number Four: Alex Riley versus John Cena in an Escape Only If Riley wins, Cena admits that Miz is awesome but if Cena wins, Riley is fired Cage Match
Riley tries to escape and Cena pulls him from the turnbuckles. Cena sends Miz into the turnbuckles and then Cena chops him. Cena with a suplex on Riley. Cena with a kick to the midsection followed by a punch. Cena with a knee to the midsection followed by a gutwrench suplex. Cena goes for the door but Miz closes the door and keeps Cena from escaping. Riley attacks Cena from behind and Miz slams the door into Cena’s head.
Riley punches Cena and sends him into the cage. Riley sends Cena into the cage and then Miz wants Riley to bring Cena to his side of the cage so Cena can take a picture of Cena in the cage.
Cena sends Riley into the cage while Cole wants a copy of the photo from Miz. Miz gives something to Riley and he hits Cena with Miz’s phone. Both men are down. Riley has the door opened and Riley crawls through the door but Cena stops Riley. Miz comes over and he pulls Riley out of the door. Miz is sent into the ringside barrier and Cena puts Riley in the STF. Riley taps but it means nothing.
Riley is out cold and John Cena climbs the cage. Miz gets a chair and he waits for Cena to come down. Cena thinks of another way to get out of the cage. Miz goes to that side of the cage. Riley recovers and he gets Cena in an electric chair and hits the electric chair drop.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Riley with a drop kick to Cena. Riley punches Cena but he misses a drop kick when Cena holds on to the ropes. Cena with two flying shoulder tackles followed by the Blue Thunder Bomb and then it is time for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and the Legendary Sequence is over. Cena with an Attitude Adjustment but Riley climbs the cage instead to escape the hold. They fight on the top rope as they hold on to the cage. Cena is sent into the cage. Riley climbs to the top of the cage but he takes too long to get over the cage. Cena grabs Riley and he punches Alex on top of the cage. Riley falls into the cage and they fight on the top rope. Cena kicks Riley and then he hits a super bulldog.
Cena gets Riley up for an Attitude Adjustment and then Cena takes Miz’s phone and he takes a photo of Riley and then he drops the phone. Cena tries to go out the door and Miz blocks the door. Cena powers his way out of the door and he wins.
Winner: John Cena
After the match, Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale and then he walks away.